Tag: confidence

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You are worth(y).

I always thought that earning a degree, landing the dream job, getting married to the “right” person, loosing the weight or acquiring the status was where my worth lied. Let me burst your bubble if that’s your thinking too. You are worth it. You are worthy, now. Not when you earn the degree. Not when you loose the weight. Not when you get married. Not when you have kids. Not when you make a name for yourself. You are worthy, now.

The motive behind a lot of what we do is to receive the recognition, thumbs up or nod of approval from our parents and peers. That nod of approval is often lacking when we get to the place we’ve deemed as our destination of success. We feel as if we’ve failed when the approval we sought after is not given in the manner we desired or believe should have been given to us. I write from personal experiences. Yes, you read that, experiences. Clearly I didn’t learn the first time when I didn’t receive the recognition I desired.

Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Language series, shares that there are 5 love languages that people speak (receive) and give. We are innately built to somewhat depend on these love languages. They are human needs that satisfy and nurture who we are. While we can to some level speak on each love language, we have dominants that we tend to thrive on. I thrive on receiving Words of Affirmation and Acts of service. Likewise those are the top two of the 5 that I enjoy giving. If you haven’t taken the love language quiz, I encourage you to do so. You’ll learn a lot about who you are and the why behind what you do. I will say, while I am not a fan of personality tests that so easily sway us to place ourselves in a box, I do acknowledge the value these tests brings.

My strong words of affirmation and acts of service personality showed it’s face from an early age. As far back as I can remember, I can recall the desire of being affirmed by my parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Whether it was cleaning my room, making pastry or completing an art work, I always sought after affirmation. I did not feel whole or complete until I heard the words “You did great” or some form of affirming congratulations that what I did was worth it and in turn made me worthy as a human.

Scary, isn’t it? That I place my worth in someone else’s opinion on whether what I did or who I am is good enough. I didn’t mature from this nature of mine. It’s a working progress. While my words of affirmation side is apart of who I am and thrive well in, it’s not where my value is found. In marriage, my husband gently reminds me after I make a meal or clean the house or complete a project that no matter if what I cooked was good or bad it doesn’t change his love for me, nor does it increase or decrease my value. No matter if I cleaned the house thoroughly or missed a couple spots here or there, it doesn’t change his love for me, nor does it increase or decrease my value. No matter if the project I started was completed or ended in defeat, it doesn’t change his love for me, nor does it increase or decrease my value. You get the point.

Here’s the thing, we serve a Father in Heaven and roams the earth that loves us and has placed worth in us that in unmeasurable. It’s timeless. It doesn’t require an action on our part. It’s given. That worth was established the moment of conception. You are of worth. You are worthy. Not when you do, or when you become. You are worthy now. If you are like me who thrives on the affirmation of others, can I tell you that you will never feel fully satisfied. Again, I speak from experience. I’ve sought approval and have both received it and was left empty handed. My husband affirms me every day, and even with his gentle love and affirmation he reminds me that my worth doesn’t come from his words, his approval or the approval of others, rather from my source. The only one who can fulfill and provide. The only one who can fill the gaps of yours and my heart.

Here is my gentle love and affirmation to you…

YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU ARE WORTHY NOW!

You are worth it and we can have confidence in this because God is enough and, in Him, we are enough. We should neither worry or fret whether those are around us approve of who we are, how we look, how we dress or how much we have. Jesus states it well in Matthew’s account found in chapter 6 of the gospels. He states: 

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? [...] Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? [...] But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

The key to your worth is seeking your source. Like a child running to their mom and dad for food because they are too young to care for themselves. You too are like children running to the source, God, seeking to be filled. Seek Christ first. Everything else will be added, after.

You are worth it. You are worthy, now.

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Quit speaking that over your life!

  • I am stupid.
  • I am ugly.
  • I am not good enough.
  • I am too old.
  • I am too young.
  • I am incapable.

According to the National Science Foundation, 80% of our thoughts are negative. A lot of our thoughts about life and ourselves are pessimistic. We outwardly walk around in melancholy. A dark cloud over our heads exposing our dejected thoughts. Some of us conceal our despondent thoughts in hopes that the world would be blind to our insecurity as we cover up in nice clothes, fancy things and artistic instagram posts.

Think for a second. What is one negative thing you repeatedly say about yourself or think to yourself on a daily basis? What is that insecurity you say to yourself that haunts you at night and interrupts your thoughts each day? The words you speak, shape who you are. Whether through mere confessional joking or the thoughts you entertain that stirs insecurity; those words crystallizes and then shapes your belief about self, forms your character and establishes your worldview. What you speak will be what you become.

If you’ve read the historical fiction novel by American author Kathryn Stockett, The Help, or seen the film adaptation, there’s this moment where Nanny Aibileen Clack tells Mae Mobley, to repeat what she said. Nanny Aibileen’s words to Mae Mobley were, “You is Kind, You is Smart, You is Important.” Nanny Aibileen wasn’t just doing a nice thing by saying those words. She noticed insecurity developing in Mae Mobley at the ripe age of 2 due to the neglect she received from her birth mom. Nanny Aiblineen needed Mae Mobley to speak words of perfect truth because she knew that whatever Mae Mobley, or anyone for that matter spoke of themselves, would be who they would become.

My husband is my Nanny Aibileen. There are days where I wake up and I all I can say about myself are negative things. I’d tell myself, I am ugly, I am too fat, I am not capable and I am just not cut out for it. That’s when Jarrod will scoop me up in his big arms, take my face in his hands and look me dead in the eye and tell me “Quit speaking that over your life!” He’d follow that by challenging me to speak absolute truths. He doesn’t let me wallow in the negative talking. He stops me in my tracks and challenges me to speak truth not death over my life. Face it, we have bad days, but bad days can easily turn into bad weeks, months and years if we allow ourselves to constantly speak words of death over our lives.

Words that stir poor self esteem, and low self worth are words of death. They kill our drive, kill our confidence and kill our character. Words of life, does exactly what the word is. It gives life. It stirs motivation, gives hope to each day and build our character. King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 18:21,

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit."

Simply put, whatever you speak over your life will be what you produce. If you speak you are stupid, ugly, not enough, too old, too young or incapable, you will live out those words exactly. Maybe not to others, but when you look in the mirror, that will be all you will see. It is far more than seeing though. You will act out what you speak. If you tell yourself you are stupid, you will make no efforts to learn. If you tell yourself you are ugly, you will make no effort in your outward appearance. If you tell yourself you are too young or too old, you will keep living in excuses and never live to your true potential. If you keep telling yourself you are incapable, you will never walk through doors of opportunity.

Champions make adjustments. Everyone else, make excuses. Whether you believe it or not, speak truth of life over your life. Be the champion and make adjustments. Excuses will keep you in the rut. Excuses will keep you defeated. Excuses will keep you from accomplishing your goals, from becoming a better you and from making a difference. Excuses rob your potential. Champion on! Now, quit speaking that[death] over your life.

As Nanny Aibileen Clack would say, You is Kind, You is Smart, You is Important. Now say that out loud until you believe it.

Have you used words of death as an excuse to stay in the rut? What words have you spoken over your life that you need to rid of? Replace them with words of life!

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Relationship

I’m not prideful. I’m confident.

Honeymooning has come to an end, and it’s back to what the world calls “real life.” Let me tell you, we had a blast. Deets on that will come later. In the meantime, let me share with you something I learned during my one week of being married to my lovely husband, Jarrod. If you’re the type of person that waits the very last minute to ask for help, don’t quit reading. This is for you. I am not the type to ask for help. In fact, I rarely ever do. It’s not that I don’t appreciate help. I just have a hard time asking for it. Asking for help and confidence go hand-in-hand with it each other. Or you can put it this way, help and humility go hand-in-hand. Contrary to popular belief, asking for help is a sign of strength, humility and confidence.

One of my brothers recently told me pride can sometimes deceivingly look like independence. Independence and confidence look similar, but they do have distinctive differences. Independence defined is freedom from outside control or support. Independence says “I got this,” “I’ll do it on my own.” Confidence on the other hand is, assurance and certainty in one’s belief coupled with firm trust in the ability to rely on others when needed. Unlike independence, confidence says “I got this, but I need you by my side.”

Often times, those who struggle with pride view themselves as confident. We much rather walk around pretending we have our lives put together and seemingly perfect rather than ask for help. We much rather fail over and over again rather than admit we are in need of a helping hand. While not always, pride is the root as to why we lack the ability to ask for help.

Growing up, one of my favorite pastimes was building or constructing LEGO projects. My parents were never big on toys, but LEGO sets were their way to keep us busy . On Friday and Saturday nights especially we would pass the time watching VeggieTales and building new LEGO sets. I had a hard time asking for help. My brothers often would offer a helping hand, but I refused. I enjoy the satisfaction of knowing I did it all by myself. Come to find out, growing up that’s not the attitude to have. The likelihood of success is slim if that’s the approach on life. It’s hard to get by in this world without help. No wonder why there’s so many people in the world. If we were supposed to thrive by independently living and doing life on our own then I suppose we would be all on our lonesome on our own planet. But that’s not how God designed the world isn’t it? Whether you believe in God or not, someone created the world. I believe that it’s God. The one true God that is. He designed the world for us to coexist. He created people. People who we have the choice to choose to live with, lean and depend on — or not. The relationships we have, how we coexist and our dependence on one another is a direct reflection of our relationship with God. A lot of times we blame the world and everyone around us for how miserable our lives are. I’ve learned though that if everyone else is the issue and you’re the common denominator, then the issue really isn’t everyone else. It’s y o u.

During my one week of marriage the pride in me creeped out. I’ve been having issues with my wrist and hand as of late and have been sleeping with a stent brace. I failed to pack my wrist brace so we ended up buying medical wrap gaze to hold me over. Jarrod was busy eating a late night snack. Cheese cake actually. Him and I have very different definitions of “late night snacks”, but that’s besides the point. I got in bed and started wrapping my wrist. At least I was attempting to. Jarrod happened to take a break from his cheesecake and turned around only to see his wife, the struggle bus. Immediately Jarrod said, “Honey! Let me help you.” Naturally, I said “I got this!” He didn’t take no for an answer. After my response, Jarrod proceeded to say, “Vashti. Ask for help! You don’t need to do everything on your own. I’m your husband and I am here to help you. We were not meant to do life alone.”

Jarrod and I ended up having a conversation shortly after about why I feel the need to things on my own. Personality has a lot to do with it, but also pride. The satisfaction knowing I can do things on my own gives me great satisfaction. Sadly, it’s not the way to live and not the attitude to have. For those of you who follow the Christian faith you know that dependence on God is important. Your faith walk will lack luster and fail without depending on God. Similarly our walk in this world will fail if we feel and believe that life can be done independently. This does not mean being independent is wrong or a sin. Absolutely not. But when we live life on a pedestal of “I know it all and can do it all” we are bound to fall flat on our face.

I don’t know all about marriage. I’ve been married for going on 12 days now. But what I have learned so far, I hope helps you out. Whether married or not. Asking for help is a character trait we need. Humility is key. Let’s face it, you are going to fail if you believe you’re going to be able to do life all on your own. Some of you know what I’m talking about. Others, if humility isn’t implemented, unfortunately, you will find out soon enough. I promise, I don’t mean that negatively. I’m just telling you from experience. Here’s the thing, independence is great. But when we begin to feel that life can be done all in our lonesome, that’s when we’ve missed it. Life is meant to be done together. Life is meant to be done with people.

How have you allowed pride to look like independence? How can you ask for help today? Who can you ask for help from?